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(no subject)
Oct. 10th, 2007 | 03:52 pm
just seeing if this works...
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(no subject)
Sep. 26th, 2007 | 12:31 pm
location: bed
mood: 
happy
music: J Holiday - Fallin
wow, so much has happened since the last time i posted! so the most amazing thing happened. I lost like almost 10 lbs in one week! in my last post when i said i wanted to "zoom through the 170s"....well i literally am and i am soooo stoked! i can really see the difference in my body now and i am started to feel bones and stuff that weren't as prominent before. and best of all...PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO NOTICE AND MENTION THAT I'VE LOST WEIGHT!! this is like my ultimate motivation! its soo awesome when someone is like "have you lost weight? you look so good!" anyways, the weird thing about my weight loss last week is that i didn't work out at all! i decided that the tendonitis in my knee was not getting better just taking the pills the doc gave me so i decided to just stop running and do something lower impact like pilates or something. but i never got around to working out and i noticed that i was still dropping weight even faster than i was before. i think maybe its due to muscle mass loss?? cuz when you workout you're toning and building muscle and as we all know muscle weighs more than fat...i don't care! i'm just glad to be 173ish...its hard to tell. right now i flucuate between 172 and 175. it depends on what time of day it is and whens the last time i ate and how much i've drank. saturday i did an accidental fast. i was soo tired (and slightyly hungover) i slept allllllll day then just hung around my house and i didn't eat anything and i really wasn't even hungry. I still think hoodia is a gift from God!! my appetitte has increased a little bit this week but not much. i'm hoping by sometime next week i'll be in the 160s. i want to be 160 or less by halloween! my best friend (a guy) and i are going as a naughty boy & girl scout!
I fit into my size 10 jeans now! i can wear all the pants i wore before i went to college and gained 30lbs! size 8 here i come! i have a new crush! he's in my english class and he is soo hot! and he writes music and sings and he's really good! the guy i was "fucking" found out i was talking to this other guy and got really pissed so he's not talking to me anymore. but i reallly don't care. I stuck around for two years while he used me for sex, now i'm ready to move on to someone who is actually worth my time. i just hope this guy feels the same about me the way i feel about him. i've noticed that since i've lost weight I can't keep the guys off of me!! not to be conceited, but like I have 4 different guys who are interested in me right now! it feels awesome and its even more motivation!
I fit into my size 10 jeans now! i can wear all the pants i wore before i went to college and gained 30lbs! size 8 here i come! i have a new crush! he's in my english class and he is soo hot! and he writes music and sings and he's really good! the guy i was "fucking" found out i was talking to this other guy and got really pissed so he's not talking to me anymore. but i reallly don't care. I stuck around for two years while he used me for sex, now i'm ready to move on to someone who is actually worth my time. i just hope this guy feels the same about me the way i feel about him. i've noticed that since i've lost weight I can't keep the guys off of me!! not to be conceited, but like I have 4 different guys who are interested in me right now! it feels awesome and its even more motivation!
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(no subject)
Sep. 13th, 2007 | 08:29 pm
location: class
mood: cheerful
I'm trying to see if I can post on here from my phone! I have a sidekick 3 and I guess this will work. Anyways, I AM IN LOVE WITH HOODIA! Omg I'd never tried a diet pill with hoodia in it and the other day when I went to go buy my usual green tea pills they were out. So I had to buy a different kind. I got the Mega-T pills with hoodia and my appetite has been ZERO! Even better I have my period right now and usually I'd be craving EVERYTHING! I have been staying WELL under my 500 cal limit, I weighed in at 178.6 this morning, and I have been working out everyday! Ahhh things have been lookin up for me, I just hope it continues. I really wanna zoom through the 170s! ....did I mention hoodia is my new best friend??!
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(no subject)
Sep. 11th, 2007 | 02:02 am
i haven't posted in a while. i just havent felt like it lately, but today i thought i should since i finally BROKE THE 180'S!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got on the scale today and it read 179.4!! I was stoked! of course it flucuated between 179 and 181 throughout the day but I was happy to finally regisster in the 170s. omg this morning i thought i was gonna have a heart attack!1 My scale pulled a cruel joke on me. I weighed myself first thing in the morning after i peed and it said 175.4! i heart like skipped a beat and i litterally yelled out "WHAT THE FUCK?!" i was 180 the night before when i went to bed so i was like how in the hell did i lose 5 lbs overninght unless i was packin some SERIOUS water weight!? so i got off and did it 3 more times and and it went back to 180. haha i totally wish you could drop 5 lbs overnight. it was total motivation all day though...i kept thinking about how awesome if felt to see 175 on the scale and it pushed me to stay within my 500 cal limit and work out twice today. i had a latte this morning (90 cals) went to class, ran 4 miles (actually i ran 2 then power walked the other 2 cuz i went during the heat of the day and i thought i would pass out if i kkept pushing myself to run), then i did some cleaning around the house so burned some more cals. i still hadn't eaten ANY food at like 3pm this afternoon except my iced latte. i went to sleep for about 3 hrs (fuckin insomnia caused me to only get like 2 hrs of sleep the night before) and then i got up and ate a small salad w/ lettuce, cherry tomatos, egg whites, and sliced turkey breast, a ltlle cheese, and light ranch dressing.(200 cals?). i snacked on a few triscuits and some raw veggies w/ low cal dip. im gonna estimate i ate right at 500 cals. i burned like 500-600 on my run and then tonight i did 45 mins of tae bo. so i burned it off and then some.
i went to the movies my friend and i was sooo proud of myself for not givign into movie snacks! she got a root beer, popcorn, and those chocolate covered cookie dough candies. i got a bottle of water. i ate my salad like right before we went so i guess it helped that i had just eaten and really wasn't hungry. but normally i would binge on movie snacks even if i wasn't hungry haha. i hate lucky skinny people (like my friend who went to the movies with me) who can eat WHATEVER and have a killer body. i watched her eat all that food and then after the movie she was going to her boyfriends house cuz he was cooking her favourite italian meal and bought her a bottle of her favorite wine! she works out eveery now and then but not complusivelly like i do and she still looks awesome! ugh so aggravating!
anyway i'm super happy about my recent progress, my mom (who is my BIGGEST critic) told me tonight that i was looking smaller. so that motivated me too. but i think shes starting to notice my weird eating/non eating habits though. i've been ana/mia before so my parents recognize the signs and behaviors. she kept askking me tonight why i didnt eat what she made for dinner. i told her cuz i wasnt hungry because i ate a salad before i went to the movies. plus she made dinner so late i didn't wanna eat all that food so late. i dont think she belived me though. i used to lie about meals before and i suspect she thinks i'm doing the same thing now. i was telling her the other day how i'm seeing some changes in my body & in my clothes but the number on the scalle is going down soooooo slowly. and she goes "well you are losing...i mean you barely eat anything"...i hope she doesn't start trying to monitor what, when, and how much i eat. i finally have complete control so i really dont want her pressuring and guilt tripping me. okay i'm gonna go watch mtv truelife until i fall asleep! nitey nite!
i went to the movies my friend and i was sooo proud of myself for not givign into movie snacks! she got a root beer, popcorn, and those chocolate covered cookie dough candies. i got a bottle of water. i ate my salad like right before we went so i guess it helped that i had just eaten and really wasn't hungry. but normally i would binge on movie snacks even if i wasn't hungry haha. i hate lucky skinny people (like my friend who went to the movies with me) who can eat WHATEVER and have a killer body. i watched her eat all that food and then after the movie she was going to her boyfriends house cuz he was cooking her favourite italian meal and bought her a bottle of her favorite wine! she works out eveery now and then but not complusivelly like i do and she still looks awesome! ugh so aggravating!
anyway i'm super happy about my recent progress, my mom (who is my BIGGEST critic) told me tonight that i was looking smaller. so that motivated me too. but i think shes starting to notice my weird eating/non eating habits though. i've been ana/mia before so my parents recognize the signs and behaviors. she kept askking me tonight why i didnt eat what she made for dinner. i told her cuz i wasnt hungry because i ate a salad before i went to the movies. plus she made dinner so late i didn't wanna eat all that food so late. i dont think she belived me though. i used to lie about meals before and i suspect she thinks i'm doing the same thing now. i was telling her the other day how i'm seeing some changes in my body & in my clothes but the number on the scalle is going down soooooo slowly. and she goes "well you are losing...i mean you barely eat anything"...i hope she doesn't start trying to monitor what, when, and how much i eat. i finally have complete control so i really dont want her pressuring and guilt tripping me. okay i'm gonna go watch mtv truelife until i fall asleep! nitey nite!
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(no subject)
Sep. 3rd, 2007 | 08:31 pm
just got back from running....i only did 4 miles and i kept having to stop to walk cuz i couldn't breathe. i can normally control my breathing so i don't get as tired so quickly. it must have something to do with the fact that i've been purging alot more lately. my liquid fast today was going good until aroung 5pm. my mom got take out soup and salad from olive garden again and at first i just had a few spoonfuls of the broth from the soup, but then i caved in and ate a cup of soup (it was minestrone), 1 bread stick, half a turkey sandwhich with cheese and miracle whip, and broke a few pieces from a HUGE oatmeal cookie. i downed a bunch of cold green tea then purged. speaking of purging.....the muscles that control swallowing and like right around my tounge are really sore! i know its from purging but this has never happened to me before...does anyone else get this? i thought it might help me to not eat today cuz it really does hurt when i use those muscles to swallow but i still ended up binging. anyways, i went runnig and now i think i'm gonna do a workout dvd. i have nothing to do tonight and i promised myself that i was gonna start spending most of my free time working out! sooo....i'm gonna go do it now before i get too distracted by the internet! later!
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(no subject)
Sep. 3rd, 2007 | 02:26 am
music: One Republic - Apologize
ate alot more than usual this weekend....friday wasn't bad. i had my latte in the morning beffore class (90 cals) then went home and slept, then i got up and i made a small salad with lettuce, cucumber, tomato, pickles, sprinkle of reduced fat cheese, and i small can of tuna. my mom had cooked dinner (mac & cheese w/ hamburger meat mixed in, croissants, and salad). i'm really particular about making my own food because i like to know exactly how many cals i'm eating. and i def. wasn't about to eat the fatty meal she made. so anyway i sit down to eat my salad and shes like "why don't you ever make a big salad like that for everyone to eat?" and i was like "because everything i eat is healthy and ya'll always complain about how gross or tasteless it is. and you cooked so why should i make salad for everyone?" so anyway, she continues to bitch about how selfish i am so i pushed my bowl away and just drank an enviga for dinner. she is SUCH A BITCH and i seriously HATE her sometimes! like i wish she would stay out of my fucking buisness and stop trying to control everything in my life. MY food is MY thing and i'm not going to waste my time making the food that I eat for everyone because no one is going to eat and they will just complain and make fun of the food i eat. I seriouslly thinks she just likes to bitch at me cuz shes pissed that I'm losing weight and shes FAT! that sounds ridiculous and shallow but my mom IS ridiculous and shallow which is why I am seriously convinced that is why shes been treating me like shit lately. she is seriously fueling my ED. like when she pisses me off I TOTALLY lose interest in eating and i want to starve myself just to piss her off....if that makes sense....
for instance, last night we went to dinner for her bday and i totally just said fuck it and ate what i wanted. i knew i was going to purge. so i purged at the restaraunt and then later that night i went to a house party to chill with some friends. it was really lame so i came home and i was really hungry. i'd had a few beers so i was a lil unihibited and i was hungry because even though i ate earlier, i purged, so it was like i didn't eat cuzz my stomach was empty. so my mom was awake when i got home and i was in the kitchen. i took a piece of wheat bread and folded it over with some turkey, cheese, and a pickle, and some low fat miracl whip. i ate that and about 4 or 5 tricuits. then i cut a small slice of my mom bday cake and i took litterally like 2 bites of it. i so was so proud i didn't binge on the cake. anyways, when i woke up this morning my mom was like "you were eating up creation last night!! i don't what you were doing or what you were on last night but you sure had the munchies...and you shouldn't have been eating cake right before bed...shame shame" AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
anyways, so today we went to eat after church and i had a side salad and half a hamburger. I was relly craving the burger and i swore it would be all i'd eat today. then when i got it i actually got full after only half! and my brother ate the rest for me so i wasnt' even tempted to keep picking at it! so i went home and fell asleep and slept for 5 hours! i was kinds pissed cuz i was supposed to go run but when i woke up it was dark. so my sister was like man i'm hungry....i want pizza. so she went to walmart and got one of the bake at home pizzas and i wasnt going to eat any cuz i felt kinda bloated (from gass eww) but it smelled SO good....so i had one & a half slices of pepperoni and 1 slice of supreme. it was 350 cals for 1/10 of the pizza but my sister cut it into 8 slices...so i guessed about 400 cals per slice...so roughly about 1000 CALORIES!!!!!!!!!! and this was at about midnight!! sooo of course i purged and i feel SOOO much better. but i'm liquid fasting tomorrow to make up for all this weekend madness......i normally don't fast cuz its basically setting yourself up for a binge, but liquid fasting isn't bad and i never do it more than a day. after that i'm back to restricting no more than 500 cals a day and tons-o-excercise!!! wish me luck! nighty nite!
for instance, last night we went to dinner for her bday and i totally just said fuck it and ate what i wanted. i knew i was going to purge. so i purged at the restaraunt and then later that night i went to a house party to chill with some friends. it was really lame so i came home and i was really hungry. i'd had a few beers so i was a lil unihibited and i was hungry because even though i ate earlier, i purged, so it was like i didn't eat cuzz my stomach was empty. so my mom was awake when i got home and i was in the kitchen. i took a piece of wheat bread and folded it over with some turkey, cheese, and a pickle, and some low fat miracl whip. i ate that and about 4 or 5 tricuits. then i cut a small slice of my mom bday cake and i took litterally like 2 bites of it. i so was so proud i didn't binge on the cake. anyways, when i woke up this morning my mom was like "you were eating up creation last night!! i don't what you were doing or what you were on last night but you sure had the munchies...and you shouldn't have been eating cake right before bed...shame shame" AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
anyways, so today we went to eat after church and i had a side salad and half a hamburger. I was relly craving the burger and i swore it would be all i'd eat today. then when i got it i actually got full after only half! and my brother ate the rest for me so i wasnt' even tempted to keep picking at it! so i went home and fell asleep and slept for 5 hours! i was kinds pissed cuz i was supposed to go run but when i woke up it was dark. so my sister was like man i'm hungry....i want pizza. so she went to walmart and got one of the bake at home pizzas and i wasnt going to eat any cuz i felt kinda bloated (from gass eww) but it smelled SO good....so i had one & a half slices of pepperoni and 1 slice of supreme. it was 350 cals for 1/10 of the pizza but my sister cut it into 8 slices...so i guessed about 400 cals per slice...so roughly about 1000 CALORIES!!!!!!!!!! and this was at about midnight!! sooo of course i purged and i feel SOOO much better. but i'm liquid fasting tomorrow to make up for all this weekend madness......i normally don't fast cuz its basically setting yourself up for a binge, but liquid fasting isn't bad and i never do it more than a day. after that i'm back to restricting no more than 500 cals a day and tons-o-excercise!!! wish me luck! nighty nite!
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(no subject)
Aug. 31st, 2007 | 10:17 am
okay i'm tired of being 183....the scale needs to MOVE...DOWN!!! I can see my body changing...my stomach is tighter, thighs look slimmer, neck and shoulder getting thinner, but i'm still in the 180s. I remember wen I couldnt wait to get below 185. I'm there now but now I'm miserable and frustrated again. I need to lose faster! Ive been doing awesome at keeping my cals less than 500 a day and burning at least 1000 cals during excercise daily. why am i not dropping at LEAST 2 lbs a week?? ughh....my friends birthday was this past july and she just now posted the pics on facebook and i saw them and I look HUGE! Like i can't believe I actually went out in public...granted it was only about 16 lbs ago i look like a fucking blimp! do you ever look at old pics of yourself and be like "how did i actually think I looked cute when i left the house? was i not utterly embarrassed to be seen like that??" i was thinking that when i was looking at those pics....i REALLY hope that the 16 lbs has made a difference and i don't still look like that. i'm sure another 20 lbs from now i'll be thinking the same thing though...
soo yesterday i ate more than i have in a while. up until like 5:30pm all i ate was some egg whites and a double tall soy iced latte (about 150 cals total) and then my friend called me to go eat sushi and before i could even think about it i said yes...i LOVE sushi. so i went with her and i'm not even sure how much i ate but i didn't really binge. i felt full but not likee uncomfortably full. it was prolly like 600 cals though. then i went my friends house and ate triscuits with like this brazilian cream chesse stuff....maybe 400 calls?? i'm sure i had over 1000 cals yesterday but I was proud of myself for not purging (i couldn't around friends) and I was out and about all day so i guess i burned cals just from walking around. it was a good metab. boost day also. today so far i've had my double tall soy iced latte (90 cals) and 4 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of cheese and salsa (100 cals?)..so like 190 so far and i'm trying to decide if i wanna run then nap, or nap then go run??
speaking of running, i went to the doc. yesterday for my knee pain and he told me i have tendonitis....he gave me some anti-inflammatory meds and told me i could still run but to lower my mileage...so i guess i'm gonna do like 2 or 3 miles instead of 5 and then do a low impact aerobics tape or like pilates or something. okay i think i decided on taking a nap! haha later
soo yesterday i ate more than i have in a while. up until like 5:30pm all i ate was some egg whites and a double tall soy iced latte (about 150 cals total) and then my friend called me to go eat sushi and before i could even think about it i said yes...i LOVE sushi. so i went with her and i'm not even sure how much i ate but i didn't really binge. i felt full but not likee uncomfortably full. it was prolly like 600 cals though. then i went my friends house and ate triscuits with like this brazilian cream chesse stuff....maybe 400 calls?? i'm sure i had over 1000 cals yesterday but I was proud of myself for not purging (i couldn't around friends) and I was out and about all day so i guess i burned cals just from walking around. it was a good metab. boost day also. today so far i've had my double tall soy iced latte (90 cals) and 4 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of cheese and salsa (100 cals?)..so like 190 so far and i'm trying to decide if i wanna run then nap, or nap then go run??
speaking of running, i went to the doc. yesterday for my knee pain and he told me i have tendonitis....he gave me some anti-inflammatory meds and told me i could still run but to lower my mileage...so i guess i'm gonna do like 2 or 3 miles instead of 5 and then do a low impact aerobics tape or like pilates or something. okay i think i decided on taking a nap! haha later
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(no subject)
Aug. 29th, 2007 | 11:50 pm
okay, so yesterday i'm sitting in the kitchen with my mom and my brother and my mom and i are talking about celebrities who have gotten gastric bypass. she was talking about Al Roker and how he got the surgery but never really got "thin" and then actually gained 20 lbs back. anyways, she was like "how does that happen?" and she went on to tell me about how when she went to this little meeting about getting gastric (shes interested in doing it) there was this realllllllllly large lady there and how depressed and miserable she seemed. then she proceeded to say..."if i ever get thin again i will NEVER get fat again! I would KILL myself before I got fat & unattractive again".....hummmm and i wonder where my eating disorder and HORRIBLE body image come from!!!!!!!!!!! my mom isn't reallly even taht fat. shes prollly like 75 lbs overweight but shes not one of these mobidly obese people who need to get gastric to live....shes really jsut doing it because she claims shes tried "everything" to lose weight and now that shes older she doesn't have the will power or the metabolism to lose weight and keep it off so gastric is her last resort. she always tells me how I need to get liposuction on my lower tummy cuz I never seem to lose fat there. she said "even when you got really thin (when i was SEVERELY BULIMIC) you still had a little pooch".....yea mom, even when i was underweight i still wasn't thin enough for you....
anyways, no purging today...in fact not much food today. I had an iced soy latte (90 cals) this morning and a salad with lettuce, cucumber, tomato, pickle, grilled chicken, 2% cheese, and light ranch dressing. it was small, i made it at home, im not sure how many cals..150-200?? i munched on reduced fat triscuit w/ no cal butter spray (125 cals), i had some frozen blueberries (40 cals), and an enviga (5 cals), bite of pickle spear (1 cal?)....about 465 cals...i'll be safe and round it up to 500...which is still really good. plus i ran about 5 miles and burned like 800 cals. waiting to break into the 170s any day now.....
anyways, no purging today...in fact not much food today. I had an iced soy latte (90 cals) this morning and a salad with lettuce, cucumber, tomato, pickle, grilled chicken, 2% cheese, and light ranch dressing. it was small, i made it at home, im not sure how many cals..150-200?? i munched on reduced fat triscuit w/ no cal butter spray (125 cals), i had some frozen blueberries (40 cals), and an enviga (5 cals), bite of pickle spear (1 cal?)....about 465 cals...i'll be safe and round it up to 500...which is still really good. plus i ran about 5 miles and burned like 800 cals. waiting to break into the 170s any day now.....
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(no subject)
Aug. 27th, 2007 | 11:50 pm
today was pretty good...besides the fact i purged again. the good thing is i didn't even binge. i hadn't eaten anything all day and it was like 5:30....i didn't plan to liquid fast but i just kinda did all day. i had a tall double shot soy iced latte from starbucks this morning, i heated up some V8 in a bowl and ate it like soup, water water water, and then my mom made all this food for dinner! she baked lasagna, grilled chicken w/ onions, went to olive garden and got take out soup and salad and breadsticks....dont' ask me WHY she got soo much food!! i asked her and she told me she didn't want to have to cook tomorrow so she just got a bunch of food tonight and we could pick and chose what we wanted. i ate a bowl of minestrone soup, a few forkfuls of lasagna, and one breadstick. i felt GROSS afterwards even though i didn't binge or eat alot! i guess since i hadnt eaten anything all day once i did eat it just felt bad in my stomach. so i purged and ran 5 miles then did about 15 mins of strength training. i have do idea how many cals i had today but i'm sure it was under 500. and i burned about 1000 working out. i really wanna lose this 4 lbs so i will be in the 170's...i know that still HUGE but i'm making baby steps. 5lbs at a time so i dont get overwhelmed and feel like its hopeless. i rented some more movies tonight so i'm gonna go watch those. nite!
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(no subject)
Aug. 27th, 2007 | 10:22 am
i'm trying to decide if i wanna go run now and get it out of the way or if i want to sleep (since i only got like 3 hours and then had to go to class this morning) and then go run. I think my anorexia is getting worse....i started out restricting and purging when i felt like id binged, but now i find myself more and more just not eating....not even on purpose, ive just been dealing with soo many issues lately i've just feeel the need to "starve away my feelings". i really need to come up with a plan to move out of my house with my mom this semester. yesterday she yelled at me cuz i din't go to church (my sleep schedule is all f'd up so i didn't fall asleep until like 6am and slept till 2pm) and she accused me of being aetheist and not appreciative of what i have and then of course she started throwing the whole gettting kicked out of school thing in my face. if this is what i'm gonna have to deal with all semester then i need to find somewhere else to live. i really hate her sometimes......i almost wanna starve myself deathly thin again just to piss her off. i almost feel like shes jealous of me for losing weight and having the will power she doesn't so she takes it out on me. she always tells me how she used to be weight and image obsessed and did everything to stay thin when she was my age now shes all depressed cuz shes fat. she needs to see a shrink instead of always venting her feelings on me. i hate spending time with her cuz all she does is complain or vent about how "horrible" her life is. I DON'T NEED YOU DUMPING YOUR EMOTIONAL SHIT ON ME! I DEAL WITH ENOUGH OF MY OWN F'D UP FEELINGS!! she is only making my ed worse, and in a way i think its good cuz i wanna lose weight, but at the same time i hate the fact that she fuels my ed..
does anyone else ever wish that they could just move away and totally cut off all contact with anymore in their former life? like totally go somewhere else and reinvent yourself and just start over? not have to worry about what you do and who you hang out with and not always worry what your family is going to think of you?? i wish this ALL THE TIME! i just want my own life....CONTROL of my own life. i just want to dissapear
does anyone else ever wish that they could just move away and totally cut off all contact with anymore in their former life? like totally go somewhere else and reinvent yourself and just start over? not have to worry about what you do and who you hang out with and not always worry what your family is going to think of you?? i wish this ALL THE TIME! i just want my own life....CONTROL of my own life. i just want to dissapear
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(no subject)
Aug. 25th, 2007 | 10:24 pm
okay new post....so while i was in florida, my ex boyfriend and I texted each other and talked everyday. he started telling me how he didn't want to hook up with anyone in florida and how he missed me and how the thinks aobut me all the time. hes my ex bf but like we never really stopped hookin up. i guess you could say we've been off and on for like 2 yrs. right before i left for florida i told him i was tired of going back and forth with him and i wasn't going to have sex with him anymore if we weren't going to be serious. but all that changed while i was away from him...i really did miss him and i couldn't wait to see him when i got home. i thought we were gonna start dating again when i got back but the same day we drove back from florida, my friend and i went out to a club and he came there just to see me....so i thought. he barely said hi to me and totally acted like we hadn't been having these heartfelt conversations while i was in florida! i was soo pissed....even worse we're having sex again and i'm only dong it because i do have feeling for him now but i'm not getting the vibe from him like i was while i was gone. i'm scared we're going back into "fuck buddy" mode again....ughhhh!!!!!! i just want to meet a nice HOTT guy who REALLY gives a shit about me and doesn't take me and my feelings for granted. the only reason i think i'm so hung up on (John we'll call him) is cuz he's the only guy in my life right now. if i had another guy who i thought was really interested in me i would totallly cut things off with john for good because i'm sooo tired of being his "sort of' girlfriend. he calls me his "girl" but not his "girlfriend". im sooo over it!
moving on..... soo i'm not going back to school in baton rouge anymore. i basically got kicked out because my gpa was too low and i appealed it but they didn't accept me back in. of course they don't send me the rejection letter unti like after i got back from florida and a week before school starts so i had like ZERO time to try to get into school somewhere else. long story short, i'm going to the community college here in town for a semester until i get my gpa up and then i'm gonna go back to real college. i feel like a failure and it sucks to have to lie to all my friends about why i'm not going back to school in baton rouge, but i really can't feel sorry for myself because i was just lazy, didn't study, and didn't realize that my gpa was dropping. in a way i'm happy cuz I hate living in baton rouge without all my friends so i get to stay here with them for a semester, but at the same time i don't know how i'm gonna survive living with at home with my mom!!! she is driving me crazy all ready! but i have no money to get an apt. and no car (i drive my moms expedition because she doesnt like to but its not really my car). i REALLY want to get my own apt. though. that way i can live in peace and eat how i want to. all my mom likes to do is eat & drink at restaraunts! shes always complaing about her weight and how she wants to get gastric bypass but she doesnt do anything to help it! eating and drinking out every night isn't going to help u lose weight!!!!!!! and she always makes me go because she doesn't want to go alone and if turn her down she gets pissed. so i go sit while she eats and drinks. i rarely talk because i'm already pissed i had to go so i basically just sit there. its so aggravating! i'm sure if i started eating and drinking with her all the time i would gain like 30 lbs this semester!! but i am NOT going to let that happen! soo i think i covered everything...the florida trip, by ex boyfriend problems, and going to community college this semester....okay i'm off to blockbuster now!
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(no subject)
Aug. 25th, 2007 | 09:58 pm
location: computer room
mood: 
blah
I haven't poseted on here in forever because I went on vacation to destin with my friends for a week and then I got back my sister had taken my laptop to new orleans with her because hers broke and she needed mine for work. I've been afraid to use the family computer to get on because i don't want them to trace it. i've been reading on the pro ana community though from my sidekick phone! but i finally decided i REALLY needed to post cuz i just purged for like the first time in 2 weeks! i've been doing really good restricting and excersing and not really feeling hungry and i've had ZERO urges to binge. in fact the thought of binging or comsuming large amounts of food makes me sick! but today i was very tired from going out last night and then i had a saturday morning class this morning from 9-12!! 3 HOURS! my muscles ache all over my body from working out so much so i've just been laying around today. I ate when i got out of my class (subway turkey sub, 300 cals), slept, ate my homemade healthy tuna salad (about 200 cals) and then some sugar free jello with cool whip (25 cals) and then read my book and slept some more. when i woke up my mom had come home with olive garden takeout. she got soup and salad (thank god no fatty pasta dishes) so i ate that but i felt really gross cuz i'd been lazy all day and i felt full and just....gross! i HATE feeling full! I like when I eat enough to satisfy my hunger but never FULL! FULL = FAT!! so i purged.....for the first time in 2 weeks. i guess i feel a lil better cuz i didn't really binge, but i did overeat. oh well i feel better now. i'm gonna go take some green tea w/ hoodia pills and then go to blockbuster for a movie. since i'm not going out tonight or anything i guess i'll just watch some movies alone. but anyway soooo much has been going on in these past 2 weeks!! i almost don't know where to start! i'll prolly put it in 2 posts cuz i dont' want this one to get to lengthy....
i guess i'll start with vacation in destin,fl....IT WAS AWESOME!! i was soo nervous that i was going to be depressed and insecure about my body the whole time because both of my friends have such awesome bodies, but i wasn't! of course I compared myself to them but i didn't let it ruin my trip. i actually felt a bit more confident in my self than usual because i had lost some weight before we went. we drank LOTS of alcohol and got fucked up and had sooooo much fun! my friends aunt & uncle rented this penthouse suite condo for her and her cousin and they could each bring friends. it was 3 bedroom 3 bath and fully furnished and stocked with everything (except food and alc). i didn't even have to spend money cuz they left us a grocery store gift card to buy food when we needed and her cousin (a guy) was a total gentleman and paid for all of our alcohol! it was awesome!! and the best part is.......I LOST 4LBS WHILE I WAS THERE!! I was on my period while i was there, so maybe it was just the water weight was gone by the time i came back, but i don't care....I LOST 4 LBS! Its soooo crazy though cuz while i'm at home all i do is restrict and excercise and obsess about losing weight and barely lose 2 lbs! then i go off to florida for a week and drink all kinds of alcohol, eat (not a lot i still ate kind of healthy), and totallly forget about food and cals and did not work out ONCE and i lose 4 lbs!!! how does that happen?!?! anyway, i'm stoked about that. so I'm 183 now. I hit 181 about 3 days ago...so now i'm kind of tettering between 181 and 183 now. depending on what time of day i weigh myself and whens the last time i ate and all that. I finally passed the 185 mark and i'm no longer in the high 180s!! that was drving me crazy! maybe i need another week in destin and id be in the 170s!! thats my next goal, to break 180 into the 170s. i think that i'm gaining muscle because i run alot and i feel my body changing....i feel tighter and stronger and i can see changes, but the scale isn't dropping how i want it to. so i think i'm losing fat but gainging muscle. and muscle weighs more than fat so the scale isn't moving as quickly as i'd like. peple are starting to tell me they notice the weight loss. i've lost 20 lbs...20 more to go before i hit my first GW....then i think i want to lose 10 more and try to maintain at 130-135.
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LOng ass post...
Aug. 11th, 2007 | 04:11 am
mood: 
aggravated
My knee is KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be in florida all next week, but as soon as i get back i'm making an apt. to go get my knee checked out. I don't wanna stop running or working out cuz I really need to but at the same time i don't wanna fuck up my knee so bad I can't run again ever! so i think I'm just gonna do low impact workouts...maybe twice a day so i get the same calorie burn as doing kickboxing or running 4 miles. I ran 5 tonight...i told myself i was gonna run 6 cuz i needed to make up the 2 from last night but my knee felt like it was going to explode. so I stopped. i still burned 800 cals though!! Woo Hoo!!
I ate alot mmore cals than I thought today. I usually try to keep a running tab on my calorie intake but lately i've just been making a mental note of how many cals i eat in a meal but I don't actually add it to waht i've already eaten. so I counted tonight and I had 1050!! AHHH! I'm supposed to be restricting to like half that amount! I guess I may have over estimated some of the cals I consumed (you can never be too safe) but Im sure I had in the neighborhood of 1000.
brkft: 3 egg whites - 45 cals
1 piece wheat toast w/ sugar free jam - 65 cals
Starbucks tall sugar free vanilla soy latte - 160 cals
2 green tea w/ hoodia pills
Lunch: subway turkey 6 inch on wheat - 300
half bag of baked lays - 60 cals
water - o cals
2 green tea w/ hoodia pills
snacks: about 4 blackberries - 10 cals?
enviga w/ half shot of vodka - 35 cals
Dinner: small salad w/ lettuce, sprinkle of cheese, pickle, tomato, shredded turkey breast, light ranch dressing - 150 cals?
half cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch w/ 1/4 cup skim milk - 100 cals
Total: 925
after taking to the time to make more precise calculations I actually came in under 1000 but right in the neighborhood like i said. good thing is I burned off 800 of that on the treadmill so its actually more like 125!! and i'm sure i burned that off just from walking aorund (went shopping with my mom). so i'm in the negative! yay at least i feel beeter now that i saw in writing that I actually wasn't a cow today. I'm so proud of myself for not going out tonight. I went to meet my friends at a bar to watch the Saints game (thats why i had a shot of vodka in my enviga). they kept asking me "you're not drinking?? you're just gonna drink that enviga??" so i finally caved in and bought a shot to put in it. it was actually kind of good, but i only put half the shot in it cuz i really wasn't trying to get drunk (i wanted to be able to workout when i got home). after the game they all went to go hear a cajun band at a local club but it costs ten bucks to get in and I didn't really wanna go so i def. wasn't about to pay that much to get in! plus im trying to save all the money i can for florida! i also got my period today and i felt kinda blah and fatter tan usual. as nerdy and weight obsessed as it sounds the whole time i was at the bar i kept thinking how i wished i was at home running my 6 miles on the treadmill and how i couldn't wait to get home to do it! I told them i was having horrible cramps to get out of going to see the band and i came home, ate dinner, waited about an hour then ran.
another reason i was so annoyed and didn't want to go out with my friends is because one of my friends (we'll call her Jane since i don't like to use peoples real names on here) has lost a lot of weight over like the past year or so and she takes EVERY opportunity to comment on how skinny she is. she doesn't say she has an ED but she says things that make you think she does. she always brags about how she doesn't eat, and how she passed out once from hunger. she says she takes laxatives and throws up when she gets drunk and binges on gross food, she says she hates to work out so she'd rather not eat than work out. she always talks about people who are fat and makes fun of them, and she says she constantly reminds herself that she is a "fat cow" so shes motivated not to eat.......i really don't know whether or not to believe she really has an ed. i know whats its like to have a real Ed and one thing a person suffering from an ED doesn't do is BRAG about it to everyone else. she loves to boast about how she hasn't eaten in 3 or 4 days, which leads me to believe she prolly just got done scarffing down some fast food so she tells people she hasn't eaten to make herself feel better. people with real EDs are very secretive with their behavior and are often terrified that someone will notice their patterns of not eating, or restricting, then binging/purging or something. i know some people confide in people they trust, but you don't brag to this person about your Ed. you just feel the need to tell SOMEONE because you need the support or you may be concerned about yourself. she doesn't seem concerned she just seems.... proud. she'll announce to everyone that she passed out from not eating or took 8 laxatives.
she has lost a lot of weight. she's 5"11 and weighs....well i'm not sure how much she weighs! jane is notorious with all of her friends as being a show off and saying and doing things for attention. so when she announces (as she did tonight) that she weighs 134 lbs i find that hard to believe. i'm 2 inches shorter than her and when i weighed 134 i was almost emaciated...and even though she is very thin she's not emaciated. and she has a very large frame. she has naturally large wide hips, long long long legs and broad shoulders. so like i said 134 on a tall girl with a large frame would be like....emaciated! i would love to know how much she actually weighs!.....the nuttrition major in me guessing from just looking at her she might be 145 - 150.....which is still underweight for her height. she should be 155. when i went to the beach with her earlier this summer she didn't eat very mmuch at all....a matter of fact i think she ate about 4 or 5 times and we were there for a week...but like i said, jane is such an attention whore she might have just been doing it because she was in front of all of us. the thing is she drinks ALL THE TIME! her boyfriend is an alcoholic, like literally they go out for drinks every night and get PLASTERED! so you would think the calouries shes not getting in food would def. be made up for in alcohol. but she has still managed to lost lke 60 lbs. it really aggravates me the way she almost "mocks" having an ED. eating disorders are SERIOUS and if you are ever unfortunate enough to really get caught up by the disease you will never treat it like a game or some little cute act to get attention. its not cute or glamourous when you are bending over the toilet 3-4 times a day with puke splashing up in your face, shoveling tons of food in your mouth as fast as you can cuz your body is literallly starving, seriously thinking about killing yourself because you ate a slice of pizza, or waking up in the middle of the night to work out so your parents won't notice your overexcercising. sorry to be so graphic but it really sets me off how she does this!! SHE HAS NO IDEA! and i really want to say something to her because i do feel like she has the potential to develop a serious ED. i want to stop her before she does become obsessed and it becomes REAL to her. but at the same time i want to punch her in the face when shes talking about it like its the "hip and trendy" thing to do.UGHH!! anyway, thats my rant....i'm tired now and due to my period I have another killer headache. nite nite!
I ate alot mmore cals than I thought today. I usually try to keep a running tab on my calorie intake but lately i've just been making a mental note of how many cals i eat in a meal but I don't actually add it to waht i've already eaten. so I counted tonight and I had 1050!! AHHH! I'm supposed to be restricting to like half that amount! I guess I may have over estimated some of the cals I consumed (you can never be too safe) but Im sure I had in the neighborhood of 1000.
brkft: 3 egg whites - 45 cals
1 piece wheat toast w/ sugar free jam - 65 cals
Starbucks tall sugar free vanilla soy latte - 160 cals
2 green tea w/ hoodia pills
Lunch: subway turkey 6 inch on wheat - 300
half bag of baked lays - 60 cals
water - o cals
2 green tea w/ hoodia pills
snacks: about 4 blackberries - 10 cals?
enviga w/ half shot of vodka - 35 cals
Dinner: small salad w/ lettuce, sprinkle of cheese, pickle, tomato, shredded turkey breast, light ranch dressing - 150 cals?
half cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch w/ 1/4 cup skim milk - 100 cals
Total: 925
after taking to the time to make more precise calculations I actually came in under 1000 but right in the neighborhood like i said. good thing is I burned off 800 of that on the treadmill so its actually more like 125!! and i'm sure i burned that off just from walking aorund (went shopping with my mom). so i'm in the negative! yay at least i feel beeter now that i saw in writing that I actually wasn't a cow today. I'm so proud of myself for not going out tonight. I went to meet my friends at a bar to watch the Saints game (thats why i had a shot of vodka in my enviga). they kept asking me "you're not drinking?? you're just gonna drink that enviga??" so i finally caved in and bought a shot to put in it. it was actually kind of good, but i only put half the shot in it cuz i really wasn't trying to get drunk (i wanted to be able to workout when i got home). after the game they all went to go hear a cajun band at a local club but it costs ten bucks to get in and I didn't really wanna go so i def. wasn't about to pay that much to get in! plus im trying to save all the money i can for florida! i also got my period today and i felt kinda blah and fatter tan usual. as nerdy and weight obsessed as it sounds the whole time i was at the bar i kept thinking how i wished i was at home running my 6 miles on the treadmill and how i couldn't wait to get home to do it! I told them i was having horrible cramps to get out of going to see the band and i came home, ate dinner, waited about an hour then ran.
another reason i was so annoyed and didn't want to go out with my friends is because one of my friends (we'll call her Jane since i don't like to use peoples real names on here) has lost a lot of weight over like the past year or so and she takes EVERY opportunity to comment on how skinny she is. she doesn't say she has an ED but she says things that make you think she does. she always brags about how she doesn't eat, and how she passed out once from hunger. she says she takes laxatives and throws up when she gets drunk and binges on gross food, she says she hates to work out so she'd rather not eat than work out. she always talks about people who are fat and makes fun of them, and she says she constantly reminds herself that she is a "fat cow" so shes motivated not to eat.......i really don't know whether or not to believe she really has an ed. i know whats its like to have a real Ed and one thing a person suffering from an ED doesn't do is BRAG about it to everyone else. she loves to boast about how she hasn't eaten in 3 or 4 days, which leads me to believe she prolly just got done scarffing down some fast food so she tells people she hasn't eaten to make herself feel better. people with real EDs are very secretive with their behavior and are often terrified that someone will notice their patterns of not eating, or restricting, then binging/purging or something. i know some people confide in people they trust, but you don't brag to this person about your Ed. you just feel the need to tell SOMEONE because you need the support or you may be concerned about yourself. she doesn't seem concerned she just seems.... proud. she'll announce to everyone that she passed out from not eating or took 8 laxatives.
she has lost a lot of weight. she's 5"11 and weighs....well i'm not sure how much she weighs! jane is notorious with all of her friends as being a show off and saying and doing things for attention. so when she announces (as she did tonight) that she weighs 134 lbs i find that hard to believe. i'm 2 inches shorter than her and when i weighed 134 i was almost emaciated...and even though she is very thin she's not emaciated. and she has a very large frame. she has naturally large wide hips, long long long legs and broad shoulders. so like i said 134 on a tall girl with a large frame would be like....emaciated! i would love to know how much she actually weighs!.....the nuttrition major in me guessing from just looking at her she might be 145 - 150.....which is still underweight for her height. she should be 155. when i went to the beach with her earlier this summer she didn't eat very mmuch at all....a matter of fact i think she ate about 4 or 5 times and we were there for a week...but like i said, jane is such an attention whore she might have just been doing it because she was in front of all of us. the thing is she drinks ALL THE TIME! her boyfriend is an alcoholic, like literally they go out for drinks every night and get PLASTERED! so you would think the calouries shes not getting in food would def. be made up for in alcohol. but she has still managed to lost lke 60 lbs. it really aggravates me the way she almost "mocks" having an ED. eating disorders are SERIOUS and if you are ever unfortunate enough to really get caught up by the disease you will never treat it like a game or some little cute act to get attention. its not cute or glamourous when you are bending over the toilet 3-4 times a day with puke splashing up in your face, shoveling tons of food in your mouth as fast as you can cuz your body is literallly starving, seriously thinking about killing yourself because you ate a slice of pizza, or waking up in the middle of the night to work out so your parents won't notice your overexcercising. sorry to be so graphic but it really sets me off how she does this!! SHE HAS NO IDEA! and i really want to say something to her because i do feel like she has the potential to develop a serious ED. i want to stop her before she does become obsessed and it becomes REAL to her. but at the same time i want to punch her in the face when shes talking about it like its the "hip and trendy" thing to do.UGHH!! anyway, thats my rant....i'm tired now and due to my period I have another killer headache. nite nite!
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(no subject)
Aug. 10th, 2007 | 02:45 am
location: bed
mood: 
sleepy
music: Bleed - Anna Nalick
this will be short cuz my head is pounding and Im ready to go to sleep....today i bought some green tea w/ hoodia fat burner pills. i hope they work. about 2 summers ago i lost 20 lbs and i was taking just reagular green tea extract pills. (this was before everyone discovered it was a naturally metab. booster) they definately worked. i dont know why i stopped taking them...i guess cuz back then i was actually sane and was actually satisfied with my body after losing the 20 lbs. i'm about to be out of hydroxycut, i'm gonna see how well these new green tea pills work before i go buy another bottle of hydroxycut. they are really good for energy, so i'll prolly buy some more anyway...i wonder if it would be safe to take the green tea pills and the hdroxycut?? hummm... these are the kinds of questions i wish i could ask on the pro_ana community! but i haven't been accepted yet!! I really hope it doesnt get shut down!! :(
i wish monday would get here so i'd be on my way to destin! i did pretty good today with food. woke up around noon, ate my usual breakfast of 3 egg whites and a piece of toastt with black coffee (yes no matter what time i wake up my first meal is always "breakfast"). i do make it a point to eat breakfat every morning (or whenever i wake up) cuz it kick starts your metabolismm after "fasting" all night while you sleep. plus i try not to eat anything after 9 pm so by the time i wake up the next day i am literally dying for food and would prolly binge later if i didn't let myself have breakfast. anyway, i felt kind of felt lazy today and i was soo SORE from doing that Jari Love Ripped 1000 dvd. i consider myself to be in pretty good shape (meaning i have prettty good endurance, not i think my body looks awesome or anything) but I was sooo sore like ALL OVER my body...i guess that means it worked though! maybe i did burn 1000 cals...haha! so anyway, i read my book for a while, fell back asleep, took my borhter to football practice, picked him up 2 hrs later, then around 5:30 i was starving! i've been trying to eat a sensible meal when i get really hungry like that. my mom mentioned getting mexican take out or making fajitas at home. that sounded AWESOME so i knew i would end up binging on it. i am in LOVE with mexican food so i always expect to have to purge when i eat it cuz i totally losse control...not to mention mexican food is just so horrible for you anyway, whether you binge on it or not. so i lied and said i wasnt in the mood for mexican and suggested subway. so i went and got everyone a sub sandwhich. i wolfed mine down (280 cals) drank an enviga and had sugar free jello with a dollop of light whipped cream. later i munched on a few cashews & almonds (not many i know how much fat and cals is in them) but the fat is heart healthy fat....so basicallly i havent eaten since around 6:30-7ish? i was gonna run my usual 4 miles but my left knee (which has been giving me alot of trouble latey) and my right hamstring wwere killing me so i stopped after 2 miles....i burned almost 400 cals so i guess that wasn't too bad. i just kept telling myself i at least had to burn off that 280 cals from the subway sandwhich. i'll make myself make up the 2 miles tomorrow! i'm gonna be super motivated this weekend cuz its beach and swimsuit time monday!! okay signing off chikas!! NiTe NiTe!!
i wish monday would get here so i'd be on my way to destin! i did pretty good today with food. woke up around noon, ate my usual breakfast of 3 egg whites and a piece of toastt with black coffee (yes no matter what time i wake up my first meal is always "breakfast"). i do make it a point to eat breakfat every morning (or whenever i wake up) cuz it kick starts your metabolismm after "fasting" all night while you sleep. plus i try not to eat anything after 9 pm so by the time i wake up the next day i am literally dying for food and would prolly binge later if i didn't let myself have breakfast. anyway, i felt kind of felt lazy today and i was soo SORE from doing that Jari Love Ripped 1000 dvd. i consider myself to be in pretty good shape (meaning i have prettty good endurance, not i think my body looks awesome or anything) but I was sooo sore like ALL OVER my body...i guess that means it worked though! maybe i did burn 1000 cals...haha! so anyway, i read my book for a while, fell back asleep, took my borhter to football practice, picked him up 2 hrs later, then around 5:30 i was starving! i've been trying to eat a sensible meal when i get really hungry like that. my mom mentioned getting mexican take out or making fajitas at home. that sounded AWESOME so i knew i would end up binging on it. i am in LOVE with mexican food so i always expect to have to purge when i eat it cuz i totally losse control...not to mention mexican food is just so horrible for you anyway, whether you binge on it or not. so i lied and said i wasnt in the mood for mexican and suggested subway. so i went and got everyone a sub sandwhich. i wolfed mine down (280 cals) drank an enviga and had sugar free jello with a dollop of light whipped cream. later i munched on a few cashews & almonds (not many i know how much fat and cals is in them) but the fat is heart healthy fat....so basicallly i havent eaten since around 6:30-7ish? i was gonna run my usual 4 miles but my left knee (which has been giving me alot of trouble latey) and my right hamstring wwere killing me so i stopped after 2 miles....i burned almost 400 cals so i guess that wasn't too bad. i just kept telling myself i at least had to burn off that 280 cals from the subway sandwhich. i'll make myself make up the 2 miles tomorrow! i'm gonna be super motivated this weekend cuz its beach and swimsuit time monday!! okay signing off chikas!! NiTe NiTe!!
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(no subject)
Aug. 8th, 2007 | 11:58 pm
mood: 
excited
Ahhhh! I'm so nervous/excited about going to Destin, FL with my friends. LIke I said before, I really wish I could suddenly drop 15 lbs before monday, because both of the girls i'm going with have awesome, cute lil sexy petite bodies. I do like being tall, but I just feel so...large around them. I'm taller, my hips and ass are bigger (i'm black so I'm naturally a li bit curvier ugh) I dunno. I just hope I don't let my constant scrutiny of my body compared to theirs ruin my whole trip.
today was a pretty good day...my sleep schedule has been all fucked up lately. i stay up till like 5-6 am then sleep till like noon or 1, but this morning at like 7 i had to wake up and take my little brother to football practice adn my mom had a doctors apt. so i onl got like 2 hr of sleep. last night i was up reading "wasted" (i'm sure you have heard about it) and I suddenly felt motivated to workout. so i did a tae bo dvd at like 2am! after my mom finished with the doctor this morning she wanted to go to waffle house for breakfast and then go shopping. I wasn't dressed to go shopping around town so I told her I was gonna go home and get dressed and eat a bowl of cereal or something while she ate at waffle house then i would come pick her up and we'd go shopping. It was the perfect excuse to avoid eaing! i know i could have ordered something healthy like an egg white omlette, but i thought about the fact that they cook the egg whites on the same greasy, oily, buttery griddle that they make hash browns and baccon. so you prolly get alot more added cals. instead i got a nonfat latte at starbucks (about 140 cals) then went shopping for hours! lotsa burned cals! and i got a new awesome sports bra and some cute underwear! around noon i was hungry and wanted to avoid a binge when i got home so i went to subway and got a turkey breast 6 inch on wehat (280 cals). i was sooo sleepy by the time we got home around 1 so i went straight to sleep but only slept like 2 hours. I made a small salad with lettuce, sprinkle of 2% cheese, pickle, tomato, and some thinly sliced deli turkey. i guessing it was about 100 cals?? 150 at the most...it was reallly small...just a snack. i've decided i'm going to restrict by eating things very low in cals but i'm not going to fast or starve for hours. it only sets me up to binge later so i'd rather eat something small low cal and filling without feeling guilty, than binge and feel gross and guilty and have to purge. plus it kinda keeps the metabolism up so you lose more efficiently. i helped my mom make dinner so i was munching on steamed broccoli, pickles, 2 ritz crackers with a small square of cheese, and like half a cup of no suger added chocolate milk. i'm guessing about 150-200 cals? then i was gonna go run, but i started putting music on my ipod. i was hungry for some dinner (i helped make dinner but after my munching i wasn't hungry to eat a whole meal) so i ate a few pieces of meat off of a baked chicken leg, and i ate a ton of broccoli. i didn't feel bad cuz it was brocooli but for some reason I HATED feeling full! I decided to purge and I don't even know why?? it was steamed broccoli for christs sake!! but i really wanted to work out and i can't work out after i just ate and feeling so full and bloated was making me anxious. i realized that purging is about releasing anxiety for me. when i eat too much i can't stop obseessing about the "fullness" i feel and how If i did not have these cals in my body i would be closer to losing more weight. purging releases all that anxiety so i can relax and stop stressing about it. although right after that i obsess about burning off the cals. purging isnt a way to completely eliminate cals for me, becuz i do know that some of the cals are absorbed and yu don't always get it all out. I feel like i have to burn off the cals also to completely cancel it all out. so i took 2 hydroxycut and did Jari Love's Ripped 1000 excercise dvd. i got it on netflix and supposedly you burn 1000 cals if you do whole dvd working at your max heart rate or some ish like that. i don't know about 1000 cals....i was def. tired afterwards but i've felt more "excercised" after running 4 miles and I only burn about 650 cals doing that. maybe you burn more cals combining the cardio and weights though cuz you do a shitload of weight excersices! i was gonna run on the treadmill after i finished the dvd but my mom got on it before i did and then i got occupied with this site. so i guess its shower and bedtime now. i kinda want to get some sleep so i can get up tomorrow and run some errands or something. i like sleeping till noon cuz its less time in the day i'll have to be awake and eat (haha) but at the same time i hate how before you know it its like 8pm!! ta ta for now!
today was a pretty good day...my sleep schedule has been all fucked up lately. i stay up till like 5-6 am then sleep till like noon or 1, but this morning at like 7 i had to wake up and take my little brother to football practice adn my mom had a doctors apt. so i onl got like 2 hr of sleep. last night i was up reading "wasted" (i'm sure you have heard about it) and I suddenly felt motivated to workout. so i did a tae bo dvd at like 2am! after my mom finished with the doctor this morning she wanted to go to waffle house for breakfast and then go shopping. I wasn't dressed to go shopping around town so I told her I was gonna go home and get dressed and eat a bowl of cereal or something while she ate at waffle house then i would come pick her up and we'd go shopping. It was the perfect excuse to avoid eaing! i know i could have ordered something healthy like an egg white omlette, but i thought about the fact that they cook the egg whites on the same greasy, oily, buttery griddle that they make hash browns and baccon. so you prolly get alot more added cals. instead i got a nonfat latte at starbucks (about 140 cals) then went shopping for hours! lotsa burned cals! and i got a new awesome sports bra and some cute underwear! around noon i was hungry and wanted to avoid a binge when i got home so i went to subway and got a turkey breast 6 inch on wehat (280 cals). i was sooo sleepy by the time we got home around 1 so i went straight to sleep but only slept like 2 hours. I made a small salad with lettuce, sprinkle of 2% cheese, pickle, tomato, and some thinly sliced deli turkey. i guessing it was about 100 cals?? 150 at the most...it was reallly small...just a snack. i've decided i'm going to restrict by eating things very low in cals but i'm not going to fast or starve for hours. it only sets me up to binge later so i'd rather eat something small low cal and filling without feeling guilty, than binge and feel gross and guilty and have to purge. plus it kinda keeps the metabolism up so you lose more efficiently. i helped my mom make dinner so i was munching on steamed broccoli, pickles, 2 ritz crackers with a small square of cheese, and like half a cup of no suger added chocolate milk. i'm guessing about 150-200 cals? then i was gonna go run, but i started putting music on my ipod. i was hungry for some dinner (i helped make dinner but after my munching i wasn't hungry to eat a whole meal) so i ate a few pieces of meat off of a baked chicken leg, and i ate a ton of broccoli. i didn't feel bad cuz it was brocooli but for some reason I HATED feeling full! I decided to purge and I don't even know why?? it was steamed broccoli for christs sake!! but i really wanted to work out and i can't work out after i just ate and feeling so full and bloated was making me anxious. i realized that purging is about releasing anxiety for me. when i eat too much i can't stop obseessing about the "fullness" i feel and how If i did not have these cals in my body i would be closer to losing more weight. purging releases all that anxiety so i can relax and stop stressing about it. although right after that i obsess about burning off the cals. purging isnt a way to completely eliminate cals for me, becuz i do know that some of the cals are absorbed and yu don't always get it all out. I feel like i have to burn off the cals also to completely cancel it all out. so i took 2 hydroxycut and did Jari Love's Ripped 1000 excercise dvd. i got it on netflix and supposedly you burn 1000 cals if you do whole dvd working at your max heart rate or some ish like that. i don't know about 1000 cals....i was def. tired afterwards but i've felt more "excercised" after running 4 miles and I only burn about 650 cals doing that. maybe you burn more cals combining the cardio and weights though cuz you do a shitload of weight excersices! i was gonna run on the treadmill after i finished the dvd but my mom got on it before i did and then i got occupied with this site. so i guess its shower and bedtime now. i kinda want to get some sleep so i can get up tomorrow and run some errands or something. i like sleeping till noon cuz its less time in the day i'll have to be awake and eat (haha) but at the same time i hate how before you know it its like 8pm!! ta ta for now!
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(no subject)
Aug. 7th, 2007 | 06:08 pm
location: room
mood: 
bouncy
I've felt guillty for lying on my stats so I corrected them just now....I am currently at 188.6 not 165.....wow that is sooo gross and I am soo ashamed to me that fat again. I was so ashamed I felt the need to lie about it. I don't even feel worthy of being here. I weigh more or the same than most guys my height! I always told myself when I was "recovering" from my ED that if I ever let myself get back to 200 lbs I would resort back to ana and mia....and this past semester at school when I stepped on the scale and saw 199 I knew it was time to fullfill that promise to myself. I've lost 11 lbs but sooo much more to go. I hate the way some people assume that you don't really have an eating disorder until you are underweight. even doctors won't diagnose you as ana unless you have a BMI of less than 18. but it starts wayyyy before that. i think thats why i didn't post my real weight. i felt that people would think I was "wanarexic" because I'm not thin, i'm almost 200 lbs for gods sake!! anyway, the truth is out there now. i feel better now though. i feel like i'm doing it right now and I can honestly report my stats and progress now.
well now that thats out of the way, I'm really upset cuz i'm seriously not seeing any results. the scale keeps wavering between 188 - 192 and its fucking aggravating!! I want to get out of the high 180's cuz at least then i'll have some motivation or reassurance that all my hard work and determination is paying off. maybe then i will have some VISIBLE results and people will start to tell me that i look thinner. thats the ultimate motivation for me! haha. i think i'm developing a tolerance to hydroxycut. two pills doesn't do anythign for me anymore. I took 3 just now and i'm feeling it. lightheaded...jittery...time to workout now. i've done really good with cals so far today. i didn't wake up till 1pm so i guess that saved me some cals too.
bkft: 3 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of 2% cheese - 50 cals
1 slice wheat cinnamon raisin toast w/ 0 cal butter spray - 110 cals
coffee with a splash of skim milk and splenda - 10 cals??
Snack: Sugar free jello cup w/ squirt of light whipped cream - 25 cals
Enviga - 5 cals
3 Hydroxycuts
I say so far because i'm decided whether or not im gonna eat some dinner tonight. I'm about to do a Tae Bo dvd so i'm sure I'll burn off the 200 cals, a matter of fact i'm sure i've burned them off just from walking around today. but i feel really lazy cuz i haven't done shit today. i'll prolly have a salad and some baked chicken for dinner and then run my 4 miles tonight. that will be 650 cals....i wonder how many i'll burn doing 50 mins of tae bo?? prolly alot. i start my period tomorrow and i always gain at least 3-5 lbs of water weight. so i'm hopping the 188 thats showinng on the scale is actually due to water weight and my atual weight is more like 185 - 183! haha wishful thinking i'm sure!!
well now that thats out of the way, I'm really upset cuz i'm seriously not seeing any results. the scale keeps wavering between 188 - 192 and its fucking aggravating!! I want to get out of the high 180's cuz at least then i'll have some motivation or reassurance that all my hard work and determination is paying off. maybe then i will have some VISIBLE results and people will start to tell me that i look thinner. thats the ultimate motivation for me! haha. i think i'm developing a tolerance to hydroxycut. two pills doesn't do anythign for me anymore. I took 3 just now and i'm feeling it. lightheaded...jittery...time to workout now. i've done really good with cals so far today. i didn't wake up till 1pm so i guess that saved me some cals too.
bkft: 3 egg whites w/ a sprinkle of 2% cheese - 50 cals
1 slice wheat cinnamon raisin toast w/ 0 cal butter spray - 110 cals
coffee with a splash of skim milk and splenda - 10 cals??
Snack: Sugar free jello cup w/ squirt of light whipped cream - 25 cals
Enviga - 5 cals
3 Hydroxycuts
I say so far because i'm decided whether or not im gonna eat some dinner tonight. I'm about to do a Tae Bo dvd so i'm sure I'll burn off the 200 cals, a matter of fact i'm sure i've burned them off just from walking around today. but i feel really lazy cuz i haven't done shit today. i'll prolly have a salad and some baked chicken for dinner and then run my 4 miles tonight. that will be 650 cals....i wonder how many i'll burn doing 50 mins of tae bo?? prolly alot. i start my period tomorrow and i always gain at least 3-5 lbs of water weight. so i'm hopping the 188 thats showinng on the scale is actually due to water weight and my atual weight is more like 185 - 183! haha wishful thinking i'm sure!!
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(no subject)
Aug. 7th, 2007 | 04:10 am
location: bed
mood: 
jealous
haven't posted in a few days...went out again saturday for my other freinds bday. it was nice. i had 2 mango mojitos and i tried to resist the chips and salsa but i just couldn't! i never can! salsa isn't bad but the fried chips ruin it all. I stuck to diet coke and rum for the rest of the night and i only had 2. i was so proud of myself for not late night binging on fast food after going out. for some reason i was content to go home and make half a turkey sandwhich, down some water, and go to bed. i even burned some extracurricular cals with with an old BF i happened to see out! (wink wink)
tonight i went over to my best freinds house while he packed to leave to go to NYC. he'll be gone for a week and a half. hopefully i will shed some noticable lbs before he gets back. i'm supposed to be going to the beach with 2 of my friends in a week. i seriously want to lose some weight because they both have AWESOME bodies. and of course they don't excercise, eat whatever they want, and drink and smoke ALL THE TIME! i hate that horrible feeling of being the fattest girl in the group. and i know im CONSTANTLY going to be comparing my body to theirs. i'm almost not looking forward to it, but at the same time i'm hoping i can just chill out and enjoy myself. i don't have alot of money to spend there so at least i won't be able to buy food! i'm really frusterated cuz i feel like the scale is not moving. i'm literally BUSTING MY ASS and nothing is happening. i was doing really good with restricing and not binging or purging but the past two days i did. sunday night i saw a local commercial for a sushi restarant and thuoght i was going to jump into my television! i had to have some! my friend was over and he said was craving some too so i called to order some to pick up (we didn't feel like dining in). so i made my order and then when i asked him what he wanted he goes "oh im just gonna have a few pieces of yours". i got so PISSED cuz he acted like he was craving some so much then didn't order anything! and then i felt like a total fat ass for jumping on the phone and ordering right away. he's my friend who recently lost 40 lbs and weighs like 10 lbs less than i do! i hate it but i really do get so jealous of him. when we go out and see people we know they ALWAYS comment on how skinny he is and how much weight he's lost. everyone always says how everytime they see him it looks like he got skinner. i felt like such a cow when we went to banana republic and he fit into a pair of womens jeans a size SMALLER than me! i literally wanted to go home CUT the fat off my lard ass hips and thighs and the fucking spare tire around me waist. its soooo infuriating!! he's my best friend and i should be happy for him but instead it boils my blood when people constantly comment on how thin he is. he doesnt know about my ED, and his favorite thing to say when people are GUSHING about his weight loss is "oh i've been throwing up. best diet ever!" he thinks its funny, but he has no idea that i actually am throwing up and restriciting and i'm still fucking FATT!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of glad he went to nyc so i can fullly focus on losing weight. he's the only person i talk to and hang with on a daily basis so if he's not here i can literally stay home all day and work out and NOT EAT! it will be my luck i won't lost anyhting and he'll come back skinner!! i hate my life.
anyway, i totally went off on that rant and didn't fisnish about the sushi. i hate it, (he did eat a few pieces) and i just felt gross, anxious, and had a huge urge to purge. even though i didn't feel like i'd binged i just felt like that sushi was gonna go straight to my ass...so i purged and when my friend left i ran 4 miles on my treadmill. thats the thing i love about having a treadmill at home, i can workout at anytime, even at 11pm!! i burned 650 cals, so i'm sure i burned off whatever was left from purging the sushi and then some. i slpet till 1pm today and then i went to ihop with my mom and had the simply chicken sandwhich off of the healthy menu. i have no idea how many cals were in it but all it was was a bun, a grilled chicken breast, lettuce, and tomato, with a pickle spear. i put some mustrad on it. it was really good and i planned not to eat for the rest of the day but then my mom made dinner and it smelled awesome. i decided to have a small serving and then i got this huge urge to binge....so i did. i ate another bowl of rice and shrimp stuff, two handfuls of kettle corn, a corn bread muffin, 4 slices of tomato with salt and pepper, a graham cracker with milk and i made a smore and washed it down with more milk. i felt absolutely gross and bloated so i purged immediately. for some reason i don't think i got it all though. i took 2 hydroxycuts and ran 3 miles. i was gonna do a workout dvd too but my friend called me to come visit while he packed for NYC.
okay well this post is long and i'm sleepy now.....i'm really not a fan of fasting but i think i'm gonna try it tomorrow. i feel like i need to for some reason. i think it might make me feel good...pure...empty
tonight i went over to my best freinds house while he packed to leave to go to NYC. he'll be gone for a week and a half. hopefully i will shed some noticable lbs before he gets back. i'm supposed to be going to the beach with 2 of my friends in a week. i seriously want to lose some weight because they both have AWESOME bodies. and of course they don't excercise, eat whatever they want, and drink and smoke ALL THE TIME! i hate that horrible feeling of being the fattest girl in the group. and i know im CONSTANTLY going to be comparing my body to theirs. i'm almost not looking forward to it, but at the same time i'm hoping i can just chill out and enjoy myself. i don't have alot of money to spend there so at least i won't be able to buy food! i'm really frusterated cuz i feel like the scale is not moving. i'm literally BUSTING MY ASS and nothing is happening. i was doing really good with restricing and not binging or purging but the past two days i did. sunday night i saw a local commercial for a sushi restarant and thuoght i was going to jump into my television! i had to have some! my friend was over and he said was craving some too so i called to order some to pick up (we didn't feel like dining in). so i made my order and then when i asked him what he wanted he goes "oh im just gonna have a few pieces of yours". i got so PISSED cuz he acted like he was craving some so much then didn't order anything! and then i felt like a total fat ass for jumping on the phone and ordering right away. he's my friend who recently lost 40 lbs and weighs like 10 lbs less than i do! i hate it but i really do get so jealous of him. when we go out and see people we know they ALWAYS comment on how skinny he is and how much weight he's lost. everyone always says how everytime they see him it looks like he got skinner. i felt like such a cow when we went to banana republic and he fit into a pair of womens jeans a size SMALLER than me! i literally wanted to go home CUT the fat off my lard ass hips and thighs and the fucking spare tire around me waist. its soooo infuriating!! he's my best friend and i should be happy for him but instead it boils my blood when people constantly comment on how thin he is. he doesnt know about my ED, and his favorite thing to say when people are GUSHING about his weight loss is "oh i've been throwing up. best diet ever!" he thinks its funny, but he has no idea that i actually am throwing up and restriciting and i'm still fucking FATT!!!!!!!!!!! I'm kind of glad he went to nyc so i can fullly focus on losing weight. he's the only person i talk to and hang with on a daily basis so if he's not here i can literally stay home all day and work out and NOT EAT! it will be my luck i won't lost anyhting and he'll come back skinner!! i hate my life.
anyway, i totally went off on that rant and didn't fisnish about the sushi. i hate it, (he did eat a few pieces) and i just felt gross, anxious, and had a huge urge to purge. even though i didn't feel like i'd binged i just felt like that sushi was gonna go straight to my ass...so i purged and when my friend left i ran 4 miles on my treadmill. thats the thing i love about having a treadmill at home, i can workout at anytime, even at 11pm!! i burned 650 cals, so i'm sure i burned off whatever was left from purging the sushi and then some. i slpet till 1pm today and then i went to ihop with my mom and had the simply chicken sandwhich off of the healthy menu. i have no idea how many cals were in it but all it was was a bun, a grilled chicken breast, lettuce, and tomato, with a pickle spear. i put some mustrad on it. it was really good and i planned not to eat for the rest of the day but then my mom made dinner and it smelled awesome. i decided to have a small serving and then i got this huge urge to binge....so i did. i ate another bowl of rice and shrimp stuff, two handfuls of kettle corn, a corn bread muffin, 4 slices of tomato with salt and pepper, a graham cracker with milk and i made a smore and washed it down with more milk. i felt absolutely gross and bloated so i purged immediately. for some reason i don't think i got it all though. i took 2 hydroxycuts and ran 3 miles. i was gonna do a workout dvd too but my friend called me to come visit while he packed for NYC.
okay well this post is long and i'm sleepy now.....i'm really not a fan of fasting but i think i'm gonna try it tomorrow. i feel like i need to for some reason. i think it might make me feel good...pure...empty
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(no subject)
Aug. 4th, 2007 | 03:22 am
location: bed
mood: 
drunk
so i went out tonight and it was really fun....atleast up until one of my friends got drunk and decided to be a bitch and run off alone. i kept calling his cell but he wouldn't answer my calls or texts. he's gay so sometimes i worry about him getting beat up or something by a bunch of ignorant drunk straight guys, so i really worry when he runs off like that but theres not much i can do. this past new years he got wasted and hoped out of my car while we were driving downtown. i tried to get him back in the car but he ran off and some duche bag punched him in the face. he like broke his nose and had to get surgery and all this drama and i felt so bad because i let him go off by himself but when he gets that drunk hes belligerent and won't listen to ANYONE! he's one of those people who thinks they are invincible when they get drunk. he talks shit and does stupid shit cuz he thinks he can get away with it. then when he pisses someone off he's in big trouble cuz he can't back up all his shit talking. but anway, he ran off and then i saw him on the street and he just turned and walked away really fast and went into this bar. it pissed me off SOO much cuz its like i'm just trying to look out for you! i could be inside someone chatting up some hott guy but instead i'm babysitting my drunk gay friend!! plus i was his ride home so why are you gonna be bitch to the person who picked you up and is gonna bring you home??!! then my other friend met some guy and i could tell she was prolly gonna end up going home with him cuz she totally acted like i wasn't there while she was making out with this dude. so i was completely ready to just get in my car and go home and leave all those assholes without a ride. but of course being the good friend i am i stayed and made sure everyone got home okay....except for my gay friend. i called him and he answered then hung up on me so i just left his ass downtown! i'm sure he found a ride...he alwasy does.
anyway, i'm happy i kept my cals pretty low while clubbing. i only had 2 rum & diet cokes and i was already drunk! i guess thats the plus of not eating..your body absorbs the alcohol better so you don't have to drink as much. then when i was getting ready to leave me car was getting towed!! good thing the guy hadn't left yet but i still had to pay him 85 bucks to take it down off the tow truck...good thing i had my dads credit card with me haha!
i wanted to stop on the way home at some fast food place and binge but i didn't! i'm trying to save money to go to florida with some friends next week so i told myself not to spend the extra cash. instead i came home and went straight for the fridge to binge in some tuna salad my mom bought from the store...luckily my brother ate it all!!! so there was none there. instead i had a small bowl of shrimp and pasta left over from yesterdays dinner, and i made a half a sandwhich (fold over one piece of bread) with turkey, 1 slice cheese, and some miracle whip. i also had about a handfull of sunchips. it wasn't that bad...i guess i didn't really binge. i was so proud of myself. i'm kinda tipsy so i wasn't even really tasting the food. so i was like this is pointless. i ate until i felt kinda full and then i stopped! i didn't even feel like purging! im not sure how many cals it was but for once i don't even really care. okay i'm sleepy now and this Leg Magic infomercial is annoying! no one gets this awesome body( liek the lady selling the product) from using this ridiculous machine!!!! nighty!
anyway, i'm happy i kept my cals pretty low while clubbing. i only had 2 rum & diet cokes and i was already drunk! i guess thats the plus of not eating..your body absorbs the alcohol better so you don't have to drink as much. then when i was getting ready to leave me car was getting towed!! good thing the guy hadn't left yet but i still had to pay him 85 bucks to take it down off the tow truck...good thing i had my dads credit card with me haha!
i wanted to stop on the way home at some fast food place and binge but i didn't! i'm trying to save money to go to florida with some friends next week so i told myself not to spend the extra cash. instead i came home and went straight for the fridge to binge in some tuna salad my mom bought from the store...luckily my brother ate it all!!! so there was none there. instead i had a small bowl of shrimp and pasta left over from yesterdays dinner, and i made a half a sandwhich (fold over one piece of bread) with turkey, 1 slice cheese, and some miracle whip. i also had about a handfull of sunchips. it wasn't that bad...i guess i didn't really binge. i was so proud of myself. i'm kinda tipsy so i wasn't even really tasting the food. so i was like this is pointless. i ate until i felt kinda full and then i stopped! i didn't even feel like purging! im not sure how many cals it was but for once i don't even really care. okay i'm sleepy now and this Leg Magic infomercial is annoying! no one gets this awesome body( liek the lady selling the product) from using this ridiculous machine!!!! nighty!
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(no subject)
Aug. 3rd, 2007 | 01:57 am
location: my bed
mood: 
hungry
music: Ana Nalick - Wreck of the Day
i decided to make another post cuz that one was getting too long. i told myself i need to start making shorter posts throughout the day so that i don't make one huge one at night. but anyway...
yesterday i bought the book "wasted". its a memoir by this lady who was ana and mia. its pretty good so far i guess, but its so depressing! i guess EDs arent exactly the most fun and exciting thing to write about. but it really made me start thinking. do i really wanna go back down this path?? i've gone back to the dark side but i can still see the light at the opening to the tunnel...should i turn back? i remember a few days back when i read my old journals i kept and it was soo disturbing how OBSESSED i was and how often I b/p....besides going to school for 8 hrs a day, my day/life revolved around what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and binging and purging. i really dont want that life again. that is the reality of an ED. of course i was 125 lbs and SUPER thin, but i still wasn't happy. it wasn't even that i thought i was fat at that time, i was jsut soo TERRIFIED of gaining.
the funny thing is that i'm a dietetics/nutrition major! after "recovering" from my ED i decided that i wanted to become a dietician and help girls like me realize they should focus on being healthy rather than thin. thin doesn't equal healthy. and healthy doesn't nessecarily mean that you have to eat tons of fatty food and not care about what you put in your body, because eating mcdonalds and cookies and ice cream all the time isn't healthy either. but if you slip up every now and then its OKAY! you're not going to magically gain 50 lbs! you should just try to eat normal balanced meals. and since i've been learning about all this stuff i KNOW what a balanced meal plan is! the scary thing is that now i even know how to restrict while still getting the major nutrients i need. i know how to live a healthy lifestyle....but for some reason i'm choosing this again. i guess because for the past 4 years or so i thought i was living that healthy lifestyle, yet i've put on 40 lbs. so something isn't working here....but i iknow that ana/mia do work. i don't know...i'm so torn right now. i decided that tomorrow i'm gonna eat 3 balanced meals and work out twice. maybe ill start eating but just try to burn it off. they say thats the key to weight loss...more cals out than in! but then i might become a compulsive excerciser! ahhhh nothings ever right!!
it didnt help that while i was in my room doing a workout tape my mom came in and started watching. she kept saying how proud she was that i was trying to "get thin again" and how she "liked when i was thin"...whatever that means! so not only do I feel like the visible progress i thought i'd made so far is not really that big of a diference as i thought cuz she never commented that i WAS thinner but that i was TRYING to get thinner, but now i feel even more pressure to "get thin again". i wanted to scream at her "DO YOU NOT REALIZE I WAS THAT THIN BECAUSE I WAS STARVING/MAKING MYSELF THROW UP!!" sometimes i don't even think it matters to her. she is SOO all about outward apperances...no matter how fucked up things are behind the scenes.
anyway, i'm gonna go take a sleeping pill and try to go to sleep because i'm still feeling the urge to binge and its like 2:25am. nighty!
yesterday i bought the book "wasted". its a memoir by this lady who was ana and mia. its pretty good so far i guess, but its so depressing! i guess EDs arent exactly the most fun and exciting thing to write about. but it really made me start thinking. do i really wanna go back down this path?? i've gone back to the dark side but i can still see the light at the opening to the tunnel...should i turn back? i remember a few days back when i read my old journals i kept and it was soo disturbing how OBSESSED i was and how often I b/p....besides going to school for 8 hrs a day, my day/life revolved around what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, and binging and purging. i really dont want that life again. that is the reality of an ED. of course i was 125 lbs and SUPER thin, but i still wasn't happy. it wasn't even that i thought i was fat at that time, i was jsut soo TERRIFIED of gaining.
the funny thing is that i'm a dietetics/nutrition major! after "recovering" from my ED i decided that i wanted to become a dietician and help girls like me realize they should focus on being healthy rather than thin. thin doesn't equal healthy. and healthy doesn't nessecarily mean that you have to eat tons of fatty food and not care about what you put in your body, because eating mcdonalds and cookies and ice cream all the time isn't healthy either. but if you slip up every now and then its OKAY! you're not going to magically gain 50 lbs! you should just try to eat normal balanced meals. and since i've been learning about all this stuff i KNOW what a balanced meal plan is! the scary thing is that now i even know how to restrict while still getting the major nutrients i need. i know how to live a healthy lifestyle....but for some reason i'm choosing this again. i guess because for the past 4 years or so i thought i was living that healthy lifestyle, yet i've put on 40 lbs. so something isn't working here....but i iknow that ana/mia do work. i don't know...i'm so torn right now. i decided that tomorrow i'm gonna eat 3 balanced meals and work out twice. maybe ill start eating but just try to burn it off. they say thats the key to weight loss...more cals out than in! but then i might become a compulsive excerciser! ahhhh nothings ever right!!
it didnt help that while i was in my room doing a workout tape my mom came in and started watching. she kept saying how proud she was that i was trying to "get thin again" and how she "liked when i was thin"...whatever that means! so not only do I feel like the visible progress i thought i'd made so far is not really that big of a diference as i thought cuz she never commented that i WAS thinner but that i was TRYING to get thinner, but now i feel even more pressure to "get thin again". i wanted to scream at her "DO YOU NOT REALIZE I WAS THAT THIN BECAUSE I WAS STARVING/MAKING MYSELF THROW UP!!" sometimes i don't even think it matters to her. she is SOO all about outward apperances...no matter how fucked up things are behind the scenes.
anyway, i'm gonna go take a sleeping pill and try to go to sleep because i'm still feeling the urge to binge and its like 2:25am. nighty!
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Aug. 3rd, 2007 | 01:37 am
location: my bed
mood: 
anxious
music: Ana Nalick - Forever Love (Digame)
I've been on the verge of a binge all day. a part of me keeps saying "just binge, eat all the stuff you're craving and get it over with so you won't crave them anymore." but I know thats ludacris....haha actually this whole ED is ludacris. but anyway i think I did pretty good today. I got up and ate my usual breakfast, but today it didn't keep me from getting hungry throughout the day like it has been lately. i was hungry virtually ALL DAY today. I went back to sleep from like 12:30 pm to like 3:45 pm. i felt kind of weak and spacey and really wanted to eat so i just went to sleep. but i woke up STARVNG! you know like when you are so hungry you just can't wait to but the first thing you see in your mouth? i guess you could call it the onset of a binge. but i stopped and took a deep breath and actually thought about what i could eat without binging. my mom had cooked some shrimp with wheat pasta in a marinara sauce with wheat french bread. I got a fairly small bowl of pasta and had two slices of bread. i know i shouldn't have had the bread since i was already eating the pasta. it occured to me later that i should have made a salad and just put the shrimp on it and had like 1 piece of toast, but i'd already eaten then. i REALLY wanted to eat more but i didn't....instead i got on my laptop and read livejournal and looked at thinspo. i weighed myself and I was still the same weight i was this morning even though id just eaten! so that put me at ease so i wouldn't want to purge (because i def. thought about it even though i hadn't really binged i was nervous about all the carbs i ate.) before when i lost a 100 lbs i TOTALLY cut out any bread products...no crackers, bread, cereal, cookies, muffins, i wouldn't even eat croutons off a salad. and obviously it worked. but now i find that eating SOME carbs (like the 1 piece of wheat toast i have in the morning) gives me so much energy. but they also trigger binges and make me want to eat more! does that happen to anyone else?
anyway, later i ate some fruit and asparagus and a few shrimp out of the pasta dish. i worked out tonight though. i was going to run earlier, but when i got my ipod and turned it on it was blank! all my songs got deleted and i dont know how! i had like 2730 something songs on it! i was soo pissed and kinda depressed cuz now i gotta think of all the shit i had on there and put it all back on. one day a while back i was bored and something told me to back up the songs on my ipod but i didn't...now i wish i had. so i was too aggravated to run (i didn't have any jams to run to!) so i did a workout tape. lotsa sweat so i guess that means lotsa cals. i normally work out twice a day, so i hope i worked out hard enough tonight to burn of the cals i ate or atleast most of them,
im super excited about this weekend! its 3 of my friends birthdays! lately i've been really antisocial. i know this feeling though and it kinda scares me cuz i dont' wanna be how i was before. i had freinds but i totally alienated them. if it wasnt for going to school i probably would have never seen them. i would seriously rather stay home and obsess over food and working out rather than go to a party or go to the mall or something. but i do actually feel excited to party with my friends this weekend.
anyway, later i ate some fruit and asparagus and a few shrimp out of the pasta dish. i worked out tonight though. i was going to run earlier, but when i got my ipod and turned it on it was blank! all my songs got deleted and i dont know how! i had like 2730 something songs on it! i was soo pissed and kinda depressed cuz now i gotta think of all the shit i had on there and put it all back on. one day a while back i was bored and something told me to back up the songs on my ipod but i didn't...now i wish i had. so i was too aggravated to run (i didn't have any jams to run to!) so i did a workout tape. lotsa sweat so i guess that means lotsa cals. i normally work out twice a day, so i hope i worked out hard enough tonight to burn of the cals i ate or atleast most of them,
im super excited about this weekend! its 3 of my friends birthdays! lately i've been really antisocial. i know this feeling though and it kinda scares me cuz i dont' wanna be how i was before. i had freinds but i totally alienated them. if it wasnt for going to school i probably would have never seen them. i would seriously rather stay home and obsess over food and working out rather than go to a party or go to the mall or something. but i do actually feel excited to party with my friends this weekend.